if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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