Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
