I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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