im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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