I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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