I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
