i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
