Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Help. Why am I so naked?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
