they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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