i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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