...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
