I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
