Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
