last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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