Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
