Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
