There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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