she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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