dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
