Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
