I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
