Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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