Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
