she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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