why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How does one acquire holy water?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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