she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
