Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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