got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
