and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
