when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
