My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
