I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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