Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
