There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
