can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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