Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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