The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
