I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
