Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
