apparently the secret to your success is patron
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
NoShamevember. You game?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
