Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
