I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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