Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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