I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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