You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
