Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
