When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
