I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
