do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Who died my cat blue again?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
