Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
