new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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