for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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