I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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