I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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