i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
