Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
