my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
