The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
