So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
