im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
