I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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