Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
