maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
